America Failed

While I love politics, I tend to find myself getting anxious over it. After finding myself on Facebook more than usual and becoming defensive, I decided to log off social media for the next few days. Sometimes, I just need a break especially when it begins to mess with me mentally. On the other hand, I have an overwhelming desire to get this out.

Yesterday’s Senate hearing for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was emotional. I found myself experiencing many different emotions. For those involved, I cannot image the emotions they went through and my heart goes out to Dr. Ford, Judge Kavanaugh, and their families. What they went through was not easy especially on a national stage where criticism was plenty.

I think, though, that there is another group who was affected by the hearing – men and women who have been sexually assaulted (or even abused). The hearing may have opened up a wound that they believed was healed. Some may find themselves reliving this traumatic incident.

While mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and Twitter, all I see is hateful posts. The hearing should have been about a woman who was sexually assaulted, not about Democrats and Republicans. That’s where America failed.

This hearing could have been used as a platform to open up many conversations – a moment for survivors to share their stories; conversations about how we, as a nation, can combat sexual assault (and abuse). Instead, conversations of conspiracy and hatred emerged. Americans allowed a pivotal moment to pass and we should be ashamed.

Here is my plea:

America, take this opportunity to change the conversation. Let’s talk about sexual assault. What is considered sexual assault? Can it be prevented and if so, how? How can I help a victim who has chosen to open up to me? What resources are available to victims?

Be careful about what you post on social media. I know everyone is entitled to their opinions but state them without hatred. Realize that what you post is viewable to others. Some of those individuals are victims of sexual assault. Your hurtful words can make a difference. Maybe they choose not to reach for help. Maybe they choose to commit suicide because they feel like they have no one to turn to and they cannot carry this weight any longer.

Lastly, please realize that there is no timeline or manual on how to deal with the aftermath of a sexual assault. Each person is different. One individual may find peace in therapy while another does not. One may find healing in suppressing their feelings and the event. Some may be able to say the name of their attacker; others may find it too painful no matter how long ago. Such a traumatic incident is so very personal.

All I am asking is that we be more kind to one another. I just don’t understand why it is that difficult.

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Anxiety and Depression Strike Again

I feel paralyzed, unable to move.

Since the last post, these two have gotten worse. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. When I’m at work, I’m so overwhelmed that I find it debilitating.

I’m getting to the point where I am not even sure this career field is for me. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I wish I had someone to talk to who understood.

Mini-Vacay

I had a great time in Raleigh, NC this weekend. It was nice to take a day off from work and head somewhere new for a few days. I had a great time with friends and I got to see my favorite, Rascal Flatts! Here’s a few snapshots from this weekend:

At the Raleigh Beer Garden, I found a beer I actually liked – Pucker Up Strawberry Lemonade. ❤️ To find a beer I will drink is huge because I hate the taste.

Awful picture quality but this was my favorite from the concert night. Hubs & I. 💕

The crowd (myself included) sounded awful BUT this is my absolute favorite Rascal Flatts’ song of all time! “These Days”

Overwhelming Feelings

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Work and school have been a huge source of anxiety. Thankfully, I only have 3 weeks to go and I am technically “done”. I will have 5 weeks of an externship but that is basically me working at the law firm. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but the abundance of homework due every week is killing me.

Work is getting better, I think. I seem to be somewhat ahead; however, it’s still a lot of work for one person. I’m handling over 100 cases and expected to bring in about 7 a month. In addition, I answer the phones and emails constantly. Some days, I walk out of here feeling as though I have accomplished nothing. In contrast, this week seems to be better. I finally feel like things are getting done. Some days are better than others. I will say that I have fought the urge to lay on the floor in my office and stare at the ceiling. In that regards, I would say I am doing better, ha.

Lately, it seems another source of anxiety is family. My dad wants to come see me; right now, I don’t have the time to nor do I really want to (that’s for another post). There’s my husband who is driving me crazy. For over a year (maybe more), he drove me crazy talking about getting me a new car. Finally I gave in and I am extremely happy with it but I told him it had to be for the right price. Now, he seems up-in-arms about either getting a new job or moving closer to the beach. Buying a house seems to be winning out.

In fact, he wants to drive around to look at some houses tonight. I agreed because what’s the harm in looking? However I cannot get over this feeling in my gut – worry, maybe – about finances, moving, our babies (aka animals), etc. His job isn’t very steady right now with all the new changes (hints why he was looking for a new job). Unfortunately, there is nothing in this area that will pay him the money he gets paid now and we cannot afford too big of a pay cut.

I know he is unhappy with several things in his life right now and I am trying to do my best to help him figure it all out. But at what point does my sanity come into play? The last thing I want to do is spend more money and move. I feel as though I have vocalized this but maybe I am just talking to the wall?

Suicide

I always find it difficult to wrap my head around death. The fact that the person will no longer be there is overwhelmingly sad. You will never be able to talk to them again; to hug them; to celebrate them; to be with them. When someone commits suicide, this pain and hurt is magnified.

Upon hearing the news of Kate Spade’s suicide, I was shocked. While I am not a fan (for no particular reason), I am heartbroken because I have been there. The empty and so very lonely moments where you truly feel like you have no one or no where to turn. Those moments where you feel like the world would be better off without you in it. The minutes, hours, and days where you feel as though you are inadequate and you can’t win no matter how hard you try. Those moments where you feel like to end it all would finally end the pain and suffering.

Life is not easy. And it won’t ever be.

While suicide may end your pain and suffering, it will only be the beginning of pain and suffering for those who love you. Let’s be honest – no matter who you speak with concerning how you feel (counselor, family member, or friend), they will never truly understand the battle you are fighting. Some try to help; others seemly brush it off and claim that “it will get better”. Oh how easy it is to say that when you aren’t going through the same emotions!

This is a reminder to you and to myself: no matter how difficult life gets, suicide is not the answer. You are needed in this world. There’s a reason why you are here. It’s not a coincidence. You matter.